For the longest time I would hope, wish and pray for someone to come into my life and sweep me off my feet. Someone who would be stronger than me so they could keep me up when I am weak. Someone who is intelligent so that I would always be intrigued and want to have endless conversations with them. Someone who would share my burdens and make life a little easier. A mature person who likes to have fun.
After many attempts and failures, it seems to me that I live in a world of teenage men. These guys just want a mommy, a woman who will coddle them and take care of them while they go from job to job playing their video games in between. Don’t get me wrong, video games can be a great outlet, but that’s all it should be.
I obviously attract these kinds of men. I am a strong independent woman who loves to take care of people, perfect for a child. I am also attracted to their fun side, the easy going playfulness. It makes a relationship enjoyable.
But when I need someone to be strong and shoulder some of life’s shit. To tell me like it is. To smooth my ruffled feathers. To allow me to bounce crazy thoughts and ideas off of them and actually have a decent response. To step up to the plate and defend me. I’m alone.
It is so disappointing and frustrating, and over and over I experience this.
I love to be in love. I love to enjoy someone who is mine. I give my whole heart, always. But, I am never satisfied, I am always left empty and angry.
So, I choose to be single. I choose to depend only on myself. To support myself. To be strong and tough. To challenge my mind by expanding my knowledge. To comfort myself when I need it. To love myself unconditionally.
Once I made the decision to be single, I immediately felt freedom and strength wash over me. I feel so in control of my life and emotions. Everything I do, I do it for myself (and my kids). I never feel lonely and the only person I want to impress is myself.
I am open to love and relationships, and maybe the future will bring someone worthy, I truly do love men, they are amazing and intriguing creatures. But I’ll never settle, I’d rather be single than be miserable and constantly disappointed.
And maybe this is the ultimate lesson, to love myself first.