I have seriously neglected my writing lately. Sure I’ve posted a few things here and there, but nothing compared to what I’m capable of. To be honest, I’ve been hiding out. I’ve been in my own little world, deep in my head, my mind a jumble of thoughts and ideas. I’ve been laying low.
This morning I came across some writing that I did last year and I didn’t recognize the person in that writing. I realized that the person I am today is very different than the me just a year ago. I kinda liked last years me, but I like today’s me even better, which is what I always want. To be better today than I was yesterday.
Today I am less stressed and worry free. I am the most independent I’ve been in over 10 years. I depend on myself for happiness, for money, for guidance, for everything. I know now that I am ultimately responsible for everything in my life and my actions. I suppose I’ve become a worry free existential. When I look in the mirror now, I don’t see my fat, the white in my hair, or the wrinkles in my skin. I see a smile on my face, gorgeous womanly curves, and sparkles in my eyes. I actually love that I am not perfect, because its my imperfections that ultimately make me unique and beautiful.
What happened? What changed? How did I become so different?
Last summer I hit a wall, not literally, but figuratively. My life was slipping through my fingers and I couldn’t grasp onto it. My job was very overwhelming and stressful and not worth it. I was in a relationship that sent me into the heights of anxiety. I was so dependent on wishes and hopes and dreams to come true, that when they didn’t I was devastated. I was so tired of the disappointment of being let down over and over every time I “prayed” for something and got something crappy in return.
So I put my foot down. I dumped the dude, got a new job and a new outlook. I realized that shit happens. Life is full of shitty things, and it’s up to me as to how I deal with it or even let it in my life. I turned to myself, to my heart and my mind and my instincts. I tuned in to ME. I started to believe in myself, to trust myself, and to love myself. I let go of expectations and decided that I am the one who I should impress, I am the one who matters. Me.
It’s been about six months since my eyes opened and I have never felt so free. I still have my moods, my grumpy days, and days when I just feel like shit. But this journey isn’t over, in fact, it’s just beginning. There are still things that I want to learn about myself and improve upon. Things I want to do and accomplish. Writing is one of them. I want to fill my mind with useful information that will improve me as a human being. I admit to being a knowledge junkie. I love to sit in the library and pour over books of a specific topic, make notes and apply them to my life.
A big part of me wants to keep this knowledge a secret and use it just for myself. I really want to be selfish and hoard it and keep it locked up inside my brain for me and me only. It’s my precious. But that’s not the kind of human (or Gollum) I want to be. I want to inspire others. I want others to experience this freedom that I feel and to want to be better today than yesterday.
There are a few areas in my life that I want to actively focus on:
- Health. This is a very broad topic. There is so much that attributes to how we feel, and really, my ultimate goal is to wake up in the morning and say “Damn, I feel good” and keep that feeling for the entire day.
- Finances. This area is beginning to lose it’s importance, which is where I ultimately want to be. I don’t want to be rich, I don’t want more “stuff”, I don’t want money to even be a thought in my head. I want freedom from depending on money to live happily.
- Spirituality. I want to strengthen, expand and explore my beliefs which are unique and lovely and mine.
I am feeling fearless today by sharing all of this with all of you. I am excited and scared to open up this box of life treasures and explore and share what’s inside. It’s going to be an epic adventure and it starts today.
This is Day One of the rest of my life and I’m sharing it with you.