I think it is time to make some serious changes in my life.
Last night I was up all night with cold sweats and a shaking and stomach cramps. Why? I had some baked chicken Alfredo for dinner and it was freakin’ delicious! That’s right. Not vegan, not even vegetarian, and definitely not low-carb. And I also had a healthy glass of whiskey as well. So, needless to say, my body was not happy.
I did do low-carb vegan for an entire week and I felt pretty good, I even went to the gym a couple of times. But life started to get pretty stressful and depressing and what do I do when I’m stressed and depressed? I find whatever I can to make me feel good for the moment, and 99% of the time its food and booze.
But even before last nights food fiasco, I have been thinking that I want to make myself better. Since my cancer, I’ve pretty much let myself go. I’ve gained weight, I don’t get dressed up, or do my hair nice, or go out. I just wear scrubs all day at work, and PJs all night at home. And that’s my life, and I’ve been okay with it. But to be honest with you, I’m kinda done with it. I’m done hiding from the world, because that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. Hiding, like a scared mouse.
There are several areas in which I want to improve in my life; health, wealth, relationships, etc. But I need to get down deep into the nitty gritty of why I’m feeling inadequate to begin with. Ideally I should be happy with myself no matter what right? I mean, that’s what self-love is. Loving yourself unconditionally. But I don’t. I’m really down on myself a lot and I stress myself out.
Stress is one of the worse things for me. I work myself up over pretty minor stuff. Little things at work I might have forgotten to do. Money is a huge one I stress about! Having low energy is pretty stressful too because I can see my house getting dirty and some days I am too tired to cook, so I order pizza, and that can be expensive. Sometimes I put a little effort into myself and after a few days or weeks, I give up because something has stressed me out and depressed me and zapped my energy and motivation.
So, yeah, sure I should just chill out and not worry so much right? But that’s what I’ve been doing! I’ve been relaxing, chillin’, just going with the flow, and you know what? Its not working!! I need to fight this head on. And just keep fighting until I can actually handle the stress instead of avoiding it. Instead of hiding from it.
Over the next few days I’m going to come up with some ideas and plans to help me do this. I’m going to find the fire deep inside me and be badass. Its going to be hard, I’m going to mess up and fail, but I have to keep trying. That’s all I can do.
Life is about to change!